Getting the right care for wives and partners is a slippery slope. Some of us fought long and hard to dislodge the therapeutic abuse tradition of weaponizing our trauma symptoms against us and labeling us as codependent, co-addict or co-sex addict. But misogyny is resilient. It re-invents itself with new branding and fools many. We need to take a closer look at what “betrayal trauma” is actually selling us. Is it another cloaking device?

You may be surprised to learn that it’s not just two words that try to make sense of what men called sex addicts do to us. It’s an idea that became a theory that, in my opinion, became a containment strategy to keep the lid on the full picture of harm these men perpetrate upon us. So, let’s review some basics and follow the breadcrumbs.

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I couldn’t think. I couldn’t talk. I sobbed for hours at a time. I couldn’t remember what I was doing. Sometimes I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t read. I lost any sense of the past or the future. I was marooned in a time disconnected from anything I knew for sure. Reality was up for grabs and I did not know how to find safety. The rules and assumptions were gone. My husband was a stranger. It was exactly like those movies where an alien takes over the body of someone’s husband. He was calculatingly cruel, a liar, and in the full bloom of unfiltered arrogance he literally looked down his nose at me. Where was my life? The covenant I had made with my life partner that sustained me and moved me forward was shattered. Everywhere pieces lay like broken glass. If I tried to reach out and gather those pieces to put them together, they cut me. My spirit was nowhere to be found. I was dead but I had to keep walking around.

When the core of your being is exploded from within, the first suspect is the person who has that key. The results of that explosion can leave you terrified to take a step in any direction, unable to hear and understand simple sentences, struck dumb or wailing with grief, anger, and fear. You don’t know how to frame reality anymore. You don’t know what you can count on.

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What has he done to your body? It’s the question women like us may neglect. And, in my opinion, it’s the question the treatment industry really doesn’t address with enough commitment or scope to protect you. In our case, that can be a truly lethal combination.

Women like us must deal with STD’s/STI’s, genetically predisposed ailments and diseases triggered by stress and trauma (some previously dormant and others aggravated into deeper problems), new ailments and diseases known to be caused by stress and trauma, sexual abandonment, abuse and manipulation. We endure the personal and cultural results of men who objectivize female bodies, treating them as commodities or possessions. Many men also engage in verbal abuse and criticism about our bodies, appearance and sexual prowess. And let’s not forget the straight up physical intimidation and violence of the men who hit, drug, shove, bite, block, grab, pull hair, choke and rape their wives and girlfriends, a grave danger that often goes along with men protecting secret or not-so-secret lives.

Yes, the arena of women’s bodies both personally and culturally is ripe with opportunities for us to take a beating one way or another.

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This is the third piece in a series about taking back the keys to arena of your heart, head, spirit and body. We do this so we can pursue our healing and recovery in all those dimensions of our lives without being interrupted and expected to divert critical attention, energy, or other resources to him. As he demonstrates changed behaviors (including how he talks to you and how he thinks) we may begin to share ourselves with him again, but not the same way. The priority now is our healing and our minor children’s healing—which is reasonable, fair, and should be expected and affirmed by him and his treatment group.

So, today is about what’s going on in your head—that vast arena of activity that moves seamlessly from the past to the present and on into the future. Past. Present. Future. And that’s how we will approach this arena.

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Last week I talked about taking back the keys to the arena of your heart, mind, body, and spirit where you gave him open access in sharing yourself in your primary relationship. I pointed out that this arena was where he violated your trust and used your generous intimacy against you and the best interests of your whole family.

Then I invited you to use a scale to measure your experience of intimacy with him in the four same areas of his life. Important questions followed for you that would help you identify how “access” was an expression of mutuality in your relationship, or one of the ways your relationship protected him while making you more vulnerable. If you haven’t done that work yet, go back to last week and get caught up!

This week I’m going to talk more about the dynamics of your heart, and his heart.

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