Becoming More, Part 4, YOUR BODY
What has he done to your body? It’s the question women like us may neglect. And, in my opinion, it’s the question the treatment industry really doesn’t address with enough commitment or scope to protect you. In our case, that can be a truly lethal combination.
Women like us must deal with STD’s/STI’s, genetically predisposed ailments and diseases triggered by stress and trauma (some previously dormant and others aggravated into deeper problems), new ailments and diseases known to be caused by stress and trauma, sexual abandonment, abuse and manipulation. We endure the personal and cultural results of men who objectivize female bodies, treating them as commodities or possessions. Many men also engage in verbal abuse and criticism about our bodies, appearance and sexual prowess. And let’s not forget the straight up physical intimidation and violence of the men who hit, drug, shove, bite, block, grab, pull hair, choke and rape their wives and girlfriends, a grave danger that often goes along with men protecting secret or not-so-secret lives.
Yes, the arena of women’s bodies both personally and culturally take a beating one way or another from men called sex addicts.
We are physically harmed by these men. We sustain violence to our bodies that is permanent, painful, life-changing, humiliating, and disfiguring. This negatively impacts our ability to make a living, parent our children as we would if we were not victims of this domestic violence. It affects our self-esteem and mental health, and can impede our ability to have another relationship if we ever get out of this one. It costs us money, time, and worry getting medical attention and treatment.
I consider the arena of our bodies to be his biggest playpen for harming us. The physical impact may grow insidiously for years before it is diagnosed. It may be misdiagnosed as something else without that clear connection to the unnamed and an-affirmed violence we endure. Sometimes the impact comes as we age and face physical challenges that become serious or unmanageable after years of quiet coping or desperate avoidance. It can be a sudden collapse of health into many problems or one life-threatening diagnosis like breast cancer, a cardiac event, or lupus. Most of us do not connect the dots of what we endured to how our bodies are reacting. But as Dr. Bessel van der Kolk captured in the title of his book on this very topic of trauma and the body, “The Body Keeps the Score.”
In one of my old blogs I wrote about my own frustration with my newly graduated doctor who wanted to keep symptoms separate and make disparaging (to me) suggestions about why this was wrong or that was happening to me. Finally, when I was overcome with fear about symptoms of hepatitis I was having—worrying this was from being a latent carrier infected by my ex-husband during 30 years with him, I’d had enough. I fell apart in her office and told her about this history (she was still relatively new as my doctor) and how I lived with this terror all the time—waiting for the other shoe to drop. Luckily everything changed after that appointment. She began to see me as a whole person, not just one symptom of “another” woman in her sixties who was lazy and ate poorly (I am neither.) My point is that even once we become aware that we need to pay attention to what’s happening to our bodies, it can be very hard to get the medical field to care about it in an informed and responsible way. Luckily, I did not have hepatitis.
I’m including a link to an article that reviews some of the problems women have around STD’s/STI’s, in particular, even if we have the good sense to consider this possible consequence of our husband or boyfriend’s reckless disregard for our health. The writer calls these diseases and infections “sexist” not based on moral intentionality of disease but on the actual physical facts of how they infect and affect women, and how the medical field misses the unique particularities of their correct consideration, examination and diagnosis when it comes to women’s health. https://www.cnn.com/2019/10/24/health/stds-are-sexist-against-women-wellness/index.html?fbclid=IwAR1NSNWrEpzzfTbmrcBlTQGd2zeGESpH36Siv1SkBjXw8pMc55P6LMIHyd0 So, even when you try to be your body’s ally and advocate, you might not find the medical field equipped to join you in that quest—where the quality and sometimes the survival of your life is at stake.
Until a small number of us began writing and being vocal about the physical risks to our lives perpetrated by men called sex addicts, testing for STD’s/STI’s wasn’t even a standard part of what partners experienced in their “treatment.” Many were ignorantly told that if “he” tested clear she was “in the clear” too. Even a few years ago with the largest treatment organization advertising partner care, this might be found as the last thing on a list of 20 symptoms with which we might be dealing. Our physical wellbeing needs to be a “fuzzy” category in order for them to sell you their reckless desire that you keep living with him for “at least a year.” They know he’s going to “slip”. They talk about it openly as an expected part of recovery. That the “slip” can cost you your fertility, disfigure you, and even kill you rarely comes up.
Who is this man in your life? He has owned this arena of domestic violence and left you physically compromised by real impacts. Some you may already know. Others manifest over time. Now we need to take back the key to this arena if we are to minimize the physical damage, heal what we can, protect ourselves from more harm, and learn to live as effectively as possible with the damage that is permanent, ongoing, and yet to be known.
Oh, and before those life-seasoned readers in my age range think they are out of the danger-zone, you might want to read this next piece. https://health.usnews.com/health-care/patient-advice/articles/2018-12-10/what-to-know-about-rising-std-rates-among-seniors The writer references a recent study, saying “The report found that in adults over age 60 diagnosis rates for herpes simplex, gonorrhea, syphilis, hepatitis B, trichomoniasis and chlamydia rose 23 percent between 2014 and 2017.” We are not even on the good end of the stats, now.
These men dis-embody us with violence, abuse, harm and disrespect. This is the consequence of letting them have access and use of our bodies. Take back the key. This means you devote your energies to the health and care of your body. You reject “disembodiment” and put yourself back in your body and insist that people do the same in how they treat you. In practical terms this means:
Your physical safety is a top priority. You do not take physical risks with someone who has taken those risks without you knowing (covertly) or taken those risks overtly by participating in cultural misogyny at every level that it manifests—physical, spiritual, emotional, social, financial, and psychological.
Your physical health is a top priority. You are tested for everything he might have given you. All other symptoms are addressed so that you learn of any damage or ongoing risks. There are all kinds of physical ailments linked to trauma and stress. If you have symptoms you know you didn’t have before, then you need to get competent and thorough medical care.
Physical impacts to you must be identified and articulated to him and his treatment group. They want you to stay dis-embodied. Be fully present in your life and insist they engage and address physical impacts you have sustained already, and may yet unfold. The same is true for any kind of legal representation you may engage. They need to know the physical cost to you of his covert violence to your body as well as any overt violence to your body.
As Detective Thursday told a young Morse in the BBC series Endeavour, “Tell the truth. Shame the liar.”
Some of my clients have told me that yoga has been a key physical practice for healing their bodies. It is an integrating practice for holistic embodiment. Others have made dietary changes that ended the perpetual self-loathing with which misogyny had affected them. Still others have adopted mindfulness practices that keep them in their bodies when trauma and stress create “flight risks”. These practices also can be used to cultivate compassionate and respectful acceptance of your physical being to end the war many of us have endured our whole life long. And finally, some women have taken self-defence training, boxing, fitness training or other courses to increase their sense of physical strength and endurance and help them feel more present and in control of their bodies. The point is that we are likely to need some kind of re-introduction to our own bodies that is respectful, accepting, inspiring, enjoying and loving.
You are a real person. You are not his property. You are not his to disembody. What he does to your body, is what is he doing to you. It doesn’t matter if he does it with his penis, his words, his attitudes, or his physical strength. Take back the key.
I’m on this journey with you. Every day I’m on it. Accepting myself more. Enjoying myself more. Discovering my sexuality and all its wonders. Attending to the emerging frailties of its 12 operational systems. Insisting on appropriate medical attention. Walking every day as spiritual practice. Talking to myself with encouraging words. Being gentle with the swollen knuckles of arthritis. Being unashamed of the tears that fall more often now. Doing the regular blood tests I need to stay on top of my liver and thyroid function. Noticing how a scarf nicely accents my own coloring. Avoiding the gluten that now hurts my gut. Laughing out loud and long any chance I get. Choosing shoes that don’t aggravate new foot problems. Letting the old dog sleep on the bed because I like the feel of her lying against me as much as she likes the feel of me lying against her. Hugging more people than I used to. Wrapping myself up in one of my quilts on a hard day. Telling people how great they are as often as possible. I’m on this journey with you—the quest to stay in our own bodies with awareness, respect, care, and pleasure. There’s just so much more in me and in you.
Take back the key. And be more.
With you,
Diane.
P.S. Some of my resources were previously available on my Teachable.com school site “Still Learning”. I have moved them from that site and no longer host that school. But for anyone who has purchased video, audio, and/or print resources and had ongoing access to that site—please be assured that I will give you the links and passwords you now need to access them.
Just drop me a line. diane@yourstoryissafehere.com I would love to hear from you anyway!