We CAN Heal. Here's One Way to Start.

We CAN Heal

We can.

Shocked, heart-broken, angry, terrified, confused, numb, desperate. Once we learn the first piece of information about our husband or boyfriend’s secret life, we can cycle through every one of those feelings in a nano-second. Sometimes it feels like we have all of them all at the same time. In the worst of it I remember wondering if I was actually dead. No matter how I tried I couldn’t find anything left standing on which I could base my life. That went on for quite a while.

But slowly, something emerged from the devastation of my husband’s handiwork and the sledgehammer of the treatment industry’s unleashed misogyny—something that was more real and trustworthy and valuable than any of them.

Me.

So I decided to save my life and heal what could be healed. And I’m still doing that, over ten years later.

I know many of us have thoughts like these. I know some of us grab on to them and do our best with it. I also know some of us are more terrified of doing that than following the path of our inculturation and formation as females. So, we set every critical need we have aside to take up the cause of saving his life and saving our marriage, because it’s expected and we still want to be good girls.

In my experience working with women like us, the results of the latter are more heart-breaking than discovery. Women trying to run the 12 operating systems of their bodies on one last frayed nerve lose their capacity to think clearly. They face panic attacks on a regular basis. They are not happy. They buy Ikea storage units for all their trauma symptoms and imagine that having a place for everything and everything in its place is a coping strategy. It’s the “trauma is really a storage issue” approach.

The treatment industry, speaking out of its unoriginal and social collusion with misogyny, has no apparent commitment to our personal healing. It’s hope best hope for us is to spackle the relationship back together with a lot of our hard work and hopium (a term Chump Lady uses). I can’t find any reasonable or rational expectations for recovery that can be made out of anything else.

But this is true:  We can heal. And here’s one way to get started.

Step #1

Make list of every strength, resource, gift, ability, character trait, skill, knowledge, core value, asset that is within your life and available to you. In other words, get to know how incredibly rich you are as a life companion. Don’t be shy. You give some of these things away every single day. Celebrate the things that make you value-added in a every relationship and as a participant in the wellbeing of the world.

Step #2

Consider the benefits of conducting an experiment using a few of the things on your list. Experiments are ways to work with these things without asking you to be a different person in habit, conditioning, patterns beyond a specific and limited amount of time. It’s just an experiment, not a request to change your life. If you would like to try that out, go on to step three. If you aren’t ready. Do a breathing cycle (in the nose to the count of five, out through the mouth to the count of 7—do five of these to make a cycle) and make an appointment with yourself on your phone or other calendar to consider the experiment the next day. Continue until you are ready to do it.

Step #3

Review the many positive attributes and resources in your list that you made. If you are drawn to one in particular, choose that one. The experiment will be about you learning to give this good thing to yourself, first. Notice that I have not said you can’t give it your husband. I have said the experiment is about giving it to yourself first.

Step #4

You know more than you may realize about how he uses this attribute or resource from you. Reflect and jot down any memories than come to mind. These will help to prepare for the opportunity to conduct the experiment. For example, so men come home from work, from their treatment groups and appointments in a mood that always elicits a certain response from you—perhaps words of compassion, of gentle inquiry, encouragement, being available to talk or debrief, an act of service, physical intimacy.

Step #5

Create space between the immediate situation and your response. It can be as simple as “Oh I’m sorry you’ve had a rough patch. This has been a tough day for me too. Let’s take some time to care for ourselves.”  Then leave the room or go back to what you were doing. Whatever it is that you picked from your list of attributes and resources, focus is on it and give it to yourself. If you have a hard time knowing how to do it, imagine that he or someone else was feeling like you are, and ask yourself how you would offer that attribute or resource to the other person. Then do that for yourself. For example, you might make yourself a cup of tea, give yourself a hug, go out for a walk, write in your journal (maybe even as a conversation with yourself), use an affirmation of self, listen to some special music, meditate, go for a drive or bike ride, etc. Until you create the space by delaying or cutting off supply to him, you don’t have the chance to give that to yourself.

Step #6

Make note of the results of your experiment by making observations about yourself in these areas:  physical (e.g. stomach upset), emotional (e.g. more content), social (e.g. want to connect), spiritual (e.g. feel alienated),  relational (e.g. able to pay more attention to children),  behavioral (e.g. don’t drink or eat as much),  psychological (e.g. depressed). Please note I have used positives and negatives as examples given for the categories so that you will pay attention to both possibilities.

Step #7

Repeat this experiment the next day. You may choose to try something else from your list or continue working with the one you worked with today. Do not continue for longer than three days with any one thing, however. You don’t want him to figure out the experiment as he will always make everything about him, in the end.

Step #8

PLEASE BE AWARE that covert abusers use entrenched patterns in order to get what they want from you. In some cases, changing the rules in your favor can elicit negative behaviors towards you. Please record that data. Does he sulk? Is he cranky? Does he interrupt what you are doing? Does he ask to go with you on a walk? In the latter case, let him come so that his behavior doesn’t escalate in a negative way. But note that he would not let you go by yourself.

Pay close attention to whether he increase or escalates those behaviors in any ways that are threatening, endangering, or make you afraid for yourself or children. In such cases, stop the experiment. Call the police and get yourself and your children to safety. You and your children’s safety and security is paramount. If you are under the care of a trauma therapist, please follow their counsel before doing this experiment. It is because industry treatment practitioners usually won’t engage his covert abuse behavior habits as abuse, however, that you must follow protocols that do. Safety is always paramount.

 You can heal.

And the reason you can heal is that you have most of what you need to do that within yourself. You just keep giving it away to him, to children, to others, to charitable causes, etc. My position is not that you shouldn’t give it away. It’s that you should also be giving it to yourself. And in this situation of your critical need after suffering the traumatic impact of his covert/overt abuse, you must make yourself a priority for those things. You can balance that priority with children’s needs, of course.

The greatest challenge of this experiment is to use the greatness within you to help heal yourself. You deserve that much. The chances of you getting what you need from him and from his treatment industry are very low. You are not their priority. He is the number one priority. Saving the marriage comes next. You? Honey, your real needs aren’t even on the radar.

 But remember, you are still in there under the rubble of his destruction. You are. Run this little experiment. See how it goes. Learn what you can do for yourself. Have courage to face the truths that emerge from real healing.

And finally, please understand that healing is not a return to the person that you were. You will recover as much as you can right away. With time, a little more healing will happen. I have eliminated some of the trauma symptoms I had. But you may have to accept that some good things are gone, and some challenges remain. After ten years, I am still getting parts of myself back—like memory, for example. But some challenges I don’t know if I can ever permanently “get out of the way.”  I have lots of workarounds and strategies for coping, soothing, and overcoming. Maybe one day, they will cease to be a part of my life. But the thing is, I couldn’t have done any of this holy work this without directing the best part of myself, to myself, in service. I have what I need. And so do you.

Don’t be afraid to heal. Don’t be afraid of the dark clouds of confusion lifting. Don’t be afraid of how much your life deserves to be loved. Don’t be afraid of the leadership and role modelling you can give your children about self-love and self-worth. Don’t be afraid of believing more about your life, instead of less. Don’t be afraid of where courage leads you.

If this has touched you deeply and you need a companion on this journey, please book a trial session on the Coaching page. We can talk it through. I believe in your life.

With you

Diane.

P.S. I’m back up Fort McMurray where I served over two years as a flyin/flyout field traumatologist after the worst natural disaster in Canada’s history. This time I’m providing pastoral supply for our congregation here in their pastoral vacancy. I’m not sure how that might affect my blog schedule, but I’ll will do my best to keep posting as usual.