Ways to Begin Working Hard for Yourself
There was blockbuster response to last Sunday’s blog. One veteran from the trenches of covert abuse reminded me about the important things wives and partners should know once they begin to move towards healing and protecting their own lives and their children’s lives as their first priority. So, this is a quick follow-up if you are wondering what to do next, and what not to do next!
Now, these are suggestions for your consideration and where the input of your trauma therapist, medical practitioner or legal expert indicate a different course is better, please follow their guidance. Every situation has nuances, and some of these men can escalate their abusive behaviors and your safety must be paramount. We are also all different and our own medical and mental health concerns may be better served different ways. And, in some circumstances, your legal protection may best come another way. So, getting qualified professional support on all levels (as indicated below) is a crucial step.
What Not To Do Next:
Don’t weaponize a decision to redirect your focus from saving him and saving the marriage to saving yourself.
Sometimes wives and partners try to use this idea to try and hurt their CASRD man (Compulsive-Abusive Sexual Relational Disordered man—CASRD rhymes with hazard) so that he comes to his senses and smartens up. They mistakenly believe that they can “hurt” these CASRD men. They cannot. CASRD men are not “hurt” by this idea. But they are very good at pretending you have hurt him to their 12-step groups, their counsellors, their family and friends. That never ends well for you and you don’t need more of that crap.
Similarly some women might use the decision as more of a threat to get their CASRD man to do this or that. In doing so you hand your power to make yourself a priority right back to him again. And whatever you think you’ve got in return, you have lost any credibility as a person who actually understands that making yourself a priority is not a bargaining chip, but an expression of your core values. And, as noted above, he will gleefully report your attempts to “control” him and “blackmail” him into doing what you want. You will end up wearing it.
Finally, your refusal to participate in making him and your marriage a priority may trigger his proclivity to violence in more overt ways. His cruelty can escalate as he needs to both punish you and try to regain control of you. We all have read how abusive men can take or harm children in order to punish the mother. Never be cavalier about the danger he represents to you and your children. NEVER.
2. Don’t tell him anything about your decision until you have secured all the financial accounts and assets from his ability to plunder them while you are working on your healing and safety.
Experience of many wives and partners indicates that as soon as CASRD men get a hint of your intention to step away from their primary care-taking, many will begin to execute their own exit strategies that involve hiding money, assets, and reducing money available to you. It is important that you NOT broadcast your intentions until common assets are protected.
3. Don’t allude to this possibility of your decision to any of treatment group, family, friends or spiritual leaders.
People behave strangely when women show signs that they might not be interested in pouring more of their precious lives or their children’s lives down the big black hole of the covert abuser. People don’t want have to believe what you have had to believe about the truth of who the CASRD man is, and who he isn’t. They can be deeply invested in you cleaning up this mess as quickly as possible and putting Humpty Dumpty together again. Because of this, they can become anxious, angry, disapproving, etc. about the hints you may be giving them. In such cases they can believe they “owe it” to the CASRD man to tell him what you’re thinking of doing.
4. Don’t allow him to use any money for his treatment from common assets.
He will just empty the family of all its cash, including the children’s savings and college funds. Instead, If he has inheritances, family to borrow from, assets in his name only, ask him to use those funds first as a sign of his commitment to his recovery and then as a sign that his desire is that his immediate family should not have to pay for his betrayal of them. Or, if he has hobbies, interests, or other indulgences that cost money, ask him to give those up and use that money for his treatment. If he cannot find any money, then suggest a loan that his parent’s or supportive friends co-sign for treatment, that also clearly releases you and any common assets from liability. As my resource is called, “Stop Taking All The Risks.”
What To Do Next
1. Do consider why it might actually be wise to continue participating in whatever sham of treatment events are going on.
Staying on track with his and his treatment group’s expectations will provide the cover you may need to get other things organized and lined up. It can also be used as a way to gather needed information, which is exactly what he’s doing in your couple’s sessions. But that’s a two-way street, after all. Some women, however, do not have the deceptive capacity of their CASRD man, even for a limited time. They will find it hard to sit quietly, offer minimal participation needed, and not respond to the lies and manipulation. But as long as you are participating, his tendency to violent control overtly or covertly may be appeased. As soon as you can execute your plan, you can step away. But again, this is not something all of us could do, so listen to yourself.
2. Do get legal advice on your best options for protecting assets, yourself, and your children
Most of have no idea how to do this ourselves. We need legal professionals to secure our financial interests during the period when the CASRD man may turn his efforts into moving money and assets around so that you can’t find them. If you might need a protection order, you can find out how to get one so that you are prepared, instead of unprepared in a crisis. Never hesitate to call 911 if he is frightening you, threatening you, or harming you or the children. Some of my clients were persuaded not to do that. They regretted it without exception. Trying to substantiate claims of abuse without reports of it is always challenging. Some women may choose a legal separation so that finances are secured for daily living. Separate living arrangements can give her the healing she and any children need from the situational stress he has created. Custody arrangements ensure children are not alienated from either parent and all the parenting work does not fall to the mother. Some women who made these arrangements dread being away from their children at all, but also found they gained the first time in years when they could “feel” their own lives and what was going on inside them. This can help your work with a traumatologist and move healing along much faster. Short term pain for long term gain.
3. Do get a full physical examination with a full panel of testing for STD/STI’s
It is important to make a list of all the physical and mental symptoms you can identify throughout this relationship and since discovery. Stress wreaks havoc with women’s bodies. But often the relational reasons for the stress make us set aside the very real symptoms, what they indicate and what the long-term impact can be. You need to know what he has cost you in your health. Writing down ALL the symptoms can help your medical professionals identify various stress disorders, for example, and they can refer you to other mental health professional for assessment and treatment.
I cannot stress the health issues enough. My hypothyroidism went crazy. Autoimmune vulnerabilities generated periodic crippling arthritis and triggered gluten-intolerance. It took me years to get a doctor to put all those pieces together. By then I had over ten years of these ailments generating other problems in my body’s desperate attempt to adapt to the stress and keep going. There are 12 operating systems in your body. All of us have genetic vulnerabilities. Yours may be in cardiac health, cancer risk, dormant diseases that flare up, migraines, etc. Diseases of adaptation are real. Please understand it is unlikely for anyone to get through this without physically manifesting the truth that Dr. Bessel van der kolk put in the title of his book "The Body Keeps the Score.”
4. Do seek qualified trauma care from a real traumatologist.
Lots of therapists list “trauma” under their areas of practice focus. Some even say “partner trauma”. Unfortunately there are often practitioners who actually don’t know very much about current trauma care protocols at all. And many of the women I serve describe experiences with these people that suggest they don’t spend any time at all in the first premise of trauma care which is to secure safety with the client in every way that it is needed. That can take a long time. And it never makes the CASRD man or the marriage the priority. So, you can imagine the problems of real trauma treatment could mean it is set aside by a treatment industry whose priority is not you.
A qualified traumatologist does a thorough assessment using appropriate tools and never has to try and diminish what the results mean and what kind of treatment protocols would serve you best. They want to talk with you, about you. What do you need? Not “What does he need?” or “What will keep you married?”
So, there are few afterthoughts to Sunday’s blog. I can only tell you what I know from my own life and from the lives of my clients—once we can get away from the constant patterns of covert abuse and the symptoms created by it, we can begin to think clearly and remember ourselves. Please don’t make decisions that impact you and your children while under the tyranny of a CASRD man and his treatment group. Always be careful with your precious life. Get the help and support you need. Don’t take all the risks. Honour your life.
With you,
Diane.