The Power of a Con and a Con Artist: Why Participating in the Continuing Goal of Humiliation is More Attractive to Others Than Offering Compassion to the Victims of a Con

“Every one of us is vulnerable to the right con.”

So concludes Liz Scheier in her New York Times article “The Victims of Scammers Aren’t Stupid. They’re Human,” published on March 27, 2022. It’s an important conclusion for us to know.

She tells her story of being raised into a con about her whole life, confused by what she did not know or could not count on. She was also confused because the con was propped up and enabled by so many other people who seemed to feel compelled to do so, without asking questions that seemed obvious in retrospect.

Liz Scheier writes in response to the ridicule that victims of scammers receive from others who conclude they are just stupid. She says they are not stupid. They are human. She writes about the sophisticated manipulation employed by the con artist, how they enroll some of your best traits and push those buttons over and over. They gaslight and lie until you don’t know what’s real and what isn’t. As I’ve said here before, the con artist doesn’t ask you to trust them. The con artist asks if he/she/they can trust you. They present their false vulnerability and put you on the care team.   

The author describes something that is a different kind of con than the one we experienced, but what she observes about the personal and social dynamics of a con are important. We do recognize many of them from our experiences with the con artists who abused us.

For example, the treachery was maintained with the tediously common but excruciatingly harmful tools of lying, criticism, gaslighting, blameshifting, neglect, abandonment, and contempt. The tools of treachery move easily from one context to another, targeting people whose worst offence was to love someone who would never rise above the level of a good con man.

The foothold of that treachery was only possible because our hearts were open, trusting, loving and believing. Yes, we were trained to live carefully, even suspiciously, among strangers. But we also were trained to let our guard down with one whose marriage vows, baptismal vows, pledges of allegiance, aligning with codes of honor, professional covenants and even ordination vows made that person appear committed, invested, accountable, and intentional for good purpose in all relationships, and especially in primary relationship and family life.

Was this trust so foolish to everyone else? Whatever the particularities of how he made himself appear trustworthy to you, it just proves again “every one of us is vulnerable to the right con.” As the con artist used us to build credibility for himself, others became secondary victims of the con. You and your children (if you had them) became part of the reason he was believable to those secondary targets. 

When the con begins to collapse under its own obesity, the truth gains momentum for a while. But then the tide turns and the truth is dulled and bent into another shape entirely. Those secondary victims don’t want to be called “stupid,” either. So, the newly dulled and bent “truth” becomes the narrative that stops the con at the stupid partner “whose own fault it is.” The con against the secondary victims is disappeared and never discussed. They are victims who simply refute that, sometimes standing by the con artist and/or by using the containment strategy that dumps it all on you. They participate in humiliating us and keep themselves out of the con story as its secondary victims. There’s often a lot at stake there, too—the integrity of an institution or business, other kinds of investments, future considerations, the fear of doing anything else. 

The result is that there is no capacity left for compassion. After the first catastrophic and harmful reframing of reality, the lack of compassion from others comes like a secondary infection. Sometimes it seems like there’s a traffic jam caused by those ready to join in the tools of humiliation. “Porn? What was wrong with her that he needed to turn to porn?” “Emotional affairs? He was trying to help those other women, and she’s so cold, you know.” “He had secret meetings with gay escort? I’d be afraid of her, too, if I was gay.” “He took some woman on a business trip? I’m not sure I’d take his wife, either.” “She didn’t know? What a crock—she knew, she just lied to herself.” Etc. 

Humiliation. Compassion. Two choices. The harder you call for truth, the more isolated you will be. The more isolated you are, the easier it is to humiliate you and enjoy the moment with the approval of others. It takes courage to face a truth that no one wants, including you.

So, a few things to realize. Once you know you’ve been conned, the next move from others isn’t likely to restore your dignity, it’s to punish you. You were far too human in the most honestly vulnerable way possible. You have to pay for that. And this is how easily people move to those sickening excuses for abuse “it takes two to ruin a relationship” or “She wasn’t meeting his needs.”

Liz Scheier is right. “Everyone one of us is vulnerable to the right con.” We aren’t stupid. We are human. And that is a terrifying truth among so many cowards.

with you,

Diane.

Special thanks to LiliBee for letting me know about the Scheier article and sending me a copy.