Humiliation Is Part of the Experience

My dear friend, Elizabeth, who has walked our path sent me the following link, suggesting “there’s a blog in there somewhere”: https://harpers.org/archive/2021/10/put-on-the-diamonds-notes-on-humiliation-vivian-gornick/

Humiliation is a delicate subject. It’s one of the reasons so many women intensely reject the notion that they have been abused by their husband or boyfriend, and sometimes their treatment practitioner and/or treatment industry program, too. It’s humiliating on top of the humiliation of what he’s done to them.

It means you aren’t just the “chump”, you’re a victim of abuse—the target of a strategic and ongoing choice to disrespect you, put you in harm’s way, take away your ability to protect yourself and your children, lie daily, abuse your trust, and continue to use you and your children as his cover while he does it.

That’s why women buy into the language of “he cheated.” It softens the truth by making it so common it’s almost pedestrian. It also places it in what is considered a “fixable” category.

Abuse, on the other hand, not so much.

“Cheating” is mildly humiliating. Abuse is about fully humiliating someone on purpose, again and again. No one wants to be that “someone.”

After reading this article I thought about the scene from the George Eliot novel the author uses to ground her article. I asked myself “When was I required to ‘put on the diamonds?’” in my life with my abuser, my ex-husband. I was surprised to have two examples come to mind more quickly than I had thought they would. Others followed. In some scenes I remember trying (as Eliot’s main character did) to deflect or delay the moment of humiliation. But it came none-the-less. And now that I know a little more about the pathetically unimaginative secret life he created and protected over me and his children, I am able to see other times when I was uncomfortable but couldn’t have imagined the reasons why that would make sense. Often it comes like diamonds you are supposed to want and be grateful to have, but you don’t want them and you don’t know why.

“Put on the Diamonds: Notes on Humiliation” is a good way to break open further discussion about the role of humiliation in this experience for women like us. I’ve spoke about contempt quite bit already. Let’s take a deep breath and talk more about humiliation and how we learn to rise in our dignity again. Click on that link—and then think.

with you,

Diane.